Sunday, August 26, 2012
Letting go of the life I planned for me.
I have this problem. Actually, if you hadn't noticed yet, I have a lot of problems. But we're going to focus on just one of them today, for time's sake.
Today's problem is control. Being the oldest, I like certain situations. The situations in which I succeed are the situations in which I have some control in. Even if it's just a little bit.
For instance, in a school class that I take, I succeed if I have the knowledge of what chapters we will be studying in the semester. This allows me to read ahead and gain some knowledge before the lecture, letting me have some control.
Some believe the world will end in 2012. This is will solve a lot of problems for me, because my world of control ends in 2013.
In 2013, I graduate from high school. I also graduated from home school. In April, I have to find out what field I am going into for my career, and decide my college of choice. I may be moving out on my own for the first time ever, and my mother will be experiencing what she has put off since Kindergarten, dropping me off at school for the very first time. Lots of changes. Loss of control.
As above stated, I hate situations like these because I hate surprises - and please forgive me if that sounds totally cynical.
When a friend stops in without telling me before, I freak out because I haven't gotten the chance to clean and get the house ready for them. Not that I don't love the friend stopping by, it's just that I also like control.
When Christmas comes around, and I don't know what I am getting, I freak because I'm going to coincidentally buy what someone has gotten me as a gift.
When I don't know what major I am going to declare, or what school I'm going to, or how I'm going to pay for school, or how I'm going to do out on my own, or how I am going to make any friends, I freak out. Because I hate surprises.
And at the root of all this freaking out is the fact that I'm afraid I cannot do a successful job of what I have been handed. I'm not really freaking about what major I'm deciding - I'm freaking out about choosing the wrong one. And I'm not scared of what school I'm going to, I scared about picking a different one that God had in His plans for me to pick. I'm not nervous about how I'm going to do on my own, I'm nervous about leaving behind everything I have known for the past 17 years. And I'm not stressed about making friends, I'm stressed about not making friends.
Let Go...Let God
So what is the solution to me freaking out and hating surprises? God. (Isn't He always the solution?)
This year is going to be rough. But there will be nothing I cannot handle...with God's help. I have to let go of all shreds of control that I am still clutching desperately and let God handle it.
Why? Because He's God. And He can handle it so much better than I could even imagine it.
But let me tell you, it's going to be tough. It's already involved some tears and (although not literal yet) banging my head against the wall in frustration. Letting Go, Letting God.
So, if you have the time, please keep me (and my sanity) in your prayers.
Do you like control, too? Are you letting go and letting God? Let me know in the comments below!
Thanks and God Bless you all,